Conversation between my Mouth and my Guts (digestive system, not bravery.)
Scene: Me at an open fridge. The moment of reckoning for the average American.
My Mouth: Sweet! There’s still cream cheese in the fridge.
My Guts: Wait! Before you start champing at the bit, don’t forget you’ve been throwing dairy at me for 3 days now and quite frankly, I cannot tolerate it any longer.
My Mouth: Yeah I know. You’ve been grumbling, getting all twisted up and then popping off at me from day one.
My Guts: But you won’t listen. You’re not the one who has to try and break lactose down. I don’t even have the proper enzymes. You know that!
My Mouth: Don’t worry about it, babe. You can handle it.
My Guts: You’re being a selfish asshole, Mouth. Remember when you gave me acid reflux from shoveling down jalapeños, day after day, and you told me to “just deal with it?” And it’s one thing when you’re only hurting us, but half of the whole body had to sleep sitting upright! Do you remember that?!
My Mouth: As the professional mouth here, I’m going to have to ask you to shut the fuck up, Guts. Did you ever think maybe Dairy isn’t the one being an intolerant dick?
Announcer’s Voice: And it’s MOUTH for the win!
My Guts: (grumbling) Just wait ‘till he hears what the Butt is going to say about this...