Friday, July 17, 2009

Top Ten Things to Do While on House Arrest

1. Spend a whole evening just removing unwanted body hair.
2. Catch up on correspondence with people you don't really like but you keep in touch with because they keep making the effort to keep in contact with you. It's just too bad telling them to go away would make you feel like a real asshole.
3. Call 1-800 numbers and talk dirty to the customer service rep.
4. Eat whatever you want while telling yourself that you can loose the weight again before you're off the ankle bracelet.
5. Look out your window and wait for teenage boys in skinny jeans to walk by. Try to entice them into your home with promises of liquor and video games. Either rape them or beat them up. They will never wear skinny jeans again.
6. Study the Bible.
7. Finally check out that celebrity sex tape you've been curious to see.
8. Use your telescope to look at the stars at night and accidentally see the creepy neighbor commit a murder. Make sure there's a storm is coming so your electricity can go out and stop you from calling for help.
9. Start a blog.
10. Explore bestiality. Make sure only to try this with your own pets or you will have to spend more time on the monitor.